


RuPaul's Grocery Games

by orphan_account



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Epic Battles, F/F, F/M, Grocery Store, Guy's Grocery Games AU, Multi, Useless Lesbian Vampire, the useless lesbian vampire is sharon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29369424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Former Drag Race superstars are all invited to RuPaul's Grocery Games after Drag Race is cancelled and no longer on air. Who will be the winner, and what happens to the losers?
Relationships: Alaska/Sharon Needles, Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, Kameron Michaels/Yvie Oddly, Silky Nutmeg Ganache/Nina West, Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova, Utica Queen/Gottmik
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Getting The Squad Situated

**Author's Note:**

> i've watched this show once let's see how well i remember it i might just make it up as i go who knows

"This sucks!" Gottmik exclaimed as he was in the car back to his and Utica's house.

"I can't believe we got cancelled on air!" Utica gave Gottmik a pitiful look.

"I know, but I got a text from Ru saying there's a surprise for us when we get home." Gottmik raised and eyebrow out of curiosity.

"A surprise you say?" Utica goofily nodded.

"Yup. Only a few more minutes and we'll see what it is!" When the pair arrived at their Los Angeles home, there was a small envelope sitting on the door mat.

"And what could this be?" Utica rhetorically asked and opened up the letter. She cleared her throat and Gottmik was all ears.

"Dear queens, I'm so terribly sorry our beloved show was cancelled. I suppose critics can't handle me accidentally shitting myself on international tv. But, I have some great news! I've created a new show called RuPaul's Grocery Games, and you and your significant other are invited to come as a team! Please email me at xxdarklordxx@aol.com to RSVP. You betta work! Signed, RuPaul." Utica and Gottmik stared at each other in confusion.

"Okayyy, that was... interesting." Gottmik sarcastically remarked.

"Mik! We get to be on tv again, no matter how silly the show sounds!" Gottmik nodded in agreement.

"True. I wonder who else will be there?"

*Camera does that movie thing where it shows multiples scenes at once*

*Vanjie, Trixie, and Alaska talking in unison*

"Dear queens, I'm so terribly sorry our beloved show was cancelled. I suppose critics can't handle me accidentally shitting myself on international tv. But, I have some great news! I've created a new show called RuPaul's Grocery Games, and you and your significant other are invited to come as a team! Please email me at xxdarklordxx@aol.com to RSVP. You betta work! Signed, RuPaul."

*Camera goes to Brooke and Vanjie*

"What the fuck that shit mean bruh."

"It means we get to be on tv you dumb bitch." Vanjie's eyes lit up and she jumped up and down smiling on the shaggy couch in her and Brooke's West Hollywood trailer.

"Ah for real? Bet."

*Trixie and Katya*

"What this mean, RuPaul Grocery Games?" Katya asked in an extremely thick Russian accent that no one but Trixie could understand. Trixie giggled and kissed her girlfriend.

"It means we get to be in another competition - this time in a grocery store!" Katya somberly nodded.

"Sound America."

*Alaska and Sharon*

"Ho ho hoooo! Looks like if I win I can get even more plastic surgery!" Sharon said in a spooky voice and Alaska rolled her eyes.

"You mean when WE win? It's a team effort, Shar." Sharon showed her fangs and hissed.

"Okay, okay, when you win."

-

Utica trembled in fear as Gottmik drove them to the grocery store, and Gottmik could sense the anxious energy oozing out of her. Or maybe that was the cyst that was about to pop on her butthole.

"You're fine Utica, this is gonna be awesome!" Utica sighed and looked out of the window as they approached the parking lot. They got out of Gottmik's 1992 Toyota Camry and walked over to the other queens standing around. Except Sharon, she was hiding underneath a box in the shade.

"Hey ladies!" Gottmik said and everyone hugged and did that cheek kiss thing.

"Hey you two, are you here for the show?" Trixie asked.

"Yep, Utica here is a little nervous but I'm sure it'll be fun!" He kissed Utica and everyone went 'aww'.

"Enougha dis lovey dovey shit let's get dis show on da road!" Vanjie yelled, scaring everyone.

"Vanjie? When did you get here?" Vanjie huffed and puffed at Alaska's question.

"I done been here the whole time ya stupid ass cunt."

"OooOhoHoHOhoOOO, sorry Vanjie, we couldn't see your because you're so short and puny ooohoooo!" Sharon peeked her head out of the prop box to say and Vanjie walked over and kicked it to the sun, making Sharon exposed and giving her third degree burns as she writhed on the ground in agony. Alaska ran over her and dragged her to the shade and stomped out the fire that was burning all over Sharon The Lesbian Vampire ™. 

"Peek-A-Ru, I see you!" An intercom crackled and RuPaul's voice was there.

"Come inside!" The intercom crackled again and RuPaul's voice wasn't there. Everyone walked inside (except for Sharon, she was almost dead so Alaska dragged her inside) and got weird stares from everyone in the store.

"Oh hey lads! Don't mind them, they're just jealous of our coolness. Except for you Vanjie, you're ugly." Suddenly Silky was there! And oh she and Vanjie got into a fight over the Puerto Vallarta thing and they were friends no more so Silky was mean to her now.

"Let's go to Ru in the back of the store!" Everybody jumped when Nina West talked.

"Nina West? When did you get here?" Brooke asked, startled by the foot and toe loving lady.

"Oh me and Silky have been here for hours, RuPaul wasn't letting us in until you guys got here." Brooke nodded. Strange logic, but whatever. The squad made their way to the backroom and there sat RuPaul, Michelle Visage, Ross Matthews, and Carson Kressley!

"Hey kitty people!" Ru, Michelle, Ross, and Carson said in an eerily creepy unison way.

"Tomorrow is the first episode. For today, we'll be showing you around the store. It's gonna be open to the public because we didn't have enough money to reserve the whole store though so if some old lady takes that can of beans, just snatch it out of her old frail hands!" The group slowly nodded, this was already sounding sus.

"Let's go!" The judges all got up and the girls and guy followed them around the store, each and every one of them taking mental notes of where stuff was and the prices.

"Get some rest grocery gamers, tomorrow's a big day! With that, the judges literally sashayed out of the store and into their 2009 Prius.

"Well that was weird." Kameron said, frightening the girls.

"Fuck you came from bish?"

"Oh I'm here too. We were late to the bus stop so we had to catch another." Yvie popped her head up before saying that. This was gonna be quite the show.


	2. Pilot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fists will clash and heads will turn in this episode of RuPaul's Grocery Games!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaahahahahhaahahahahahhaaaaHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA Papito's Groceries

*So the cameras are rolling and it shows the lads getting ready* 

"Today big day, da." Katya bellowed in her deep Russian voice and Trixie giggled.

"It sure is! Are you excited?" Trixie asked excitedly.

"No."

*Goes to Vanjie and Brooke*

"Why you wearin that you look like a damn strippa you tryna pick up on otha gurlz?" Vanjie angrily asked and Brooke simply flipped her straw like hair across her shoulder and put on leather thigh high boots.

"I'm trying to get ratings so we get more money you illiterate fuck."

*Vanjie confessional*

"Ion kno why dis hoe always tryna look like a hooka she be cheatin on me n shit like i be hella smart n lit.. liter.. smart n even prettier than I am smart so she a dumbass bitch for cheatin on me."

"You do remember why Brooke is wearing that outfit, right?" The producer asked and Vanjie stared blankly at her as she sipped on her Redbull through a straw.

"Um."

*Kameron and Yvie, shows bedroom door*

"Oh yeah, right there! More, more! Ahhhh yes!" Yvie moaned and the camera man opened the door to see Kameron popping boils on her back Dr. Pimple Popper style.

"Now you're camera ready baybay." The two winked at the camera and gave a thumbs up and and the camera zoomed to a pano shot of LA, then to the grocery store with bars in the windows with stray dogs around and a homeless man asking for chicken wings.

"Sorry homeless man, I don't have any chicken wings." Utica said and the man grumbled at her. Wait a minute, that homeless man is-

"Aquaria?" Aquaria took off her costume and struck an elegant pose.

"Yes, it's me! Won't you please let me on the show? Ru said if one of the girls recognizes me and lets me in then I can be a one woman team! Nobody has let me in yet because they all think I'm too stuck up." Utica thought long and hard. She never really liked Aquaria, but hey, why not give her a shot.

"Alrighty, but you have to promise to be nice to Mik and I." Aquaria nodded and finished her big gulp from 7-Eleven next door and they all went inside.

"Welcome people, welcome!" RuPaul was standing on a pile of boxes from the backroom as the squad shivered in the cold of Papito's Groceries. RuPaul had instructed them to wear leotards with Pleaser heels and 80's wigs or they'd be kicked off the show immediately. Utica and Gottmik held hands, as did the rest of the couples. Although Vanjie's hand was covered in spray tan in a bottle and it made Brooke shudder.

"For today's challenge, you'll be picking up everything green you can see. This can be from peas to moldy Wonder Bread, if it's green, take it! Now grab your carts and line up at the start line." The start line was haphazardly put down orange duct tape and a few sympathy balloons from the balloon maker station. The squad grabbed their carts and got in ready position.

"Ready! Set! Go!" RuPaul shot a gun in the air which shot into the ceiling, making the other grocery store goers scream in fear and rush out of the store. Hey, more room for the Krusty Krew! The camera showed Brooke and Vanjie first. Vanjie was a shortie so she was riding in the cart's bag holder and she grabbed green items as Brooke steered.

"Green tomatoes!" Vanjie screamed and Brooke ran to where she was pointing, although she was confused af.

"Vanjie sweetie, these are bell peppers." Vanjie grabbed it and kicked Brooke in the coochie, making her bend over in pain.

"Don't be disgardening me bish." Brook ignored her and rolled to the next aisle and the camera focused on Silky and Nina.

"C'mon Nina Bonina Brown- I mean, Nina West, hurry it up!" Nina frantically looked around but there was nothing green left! Blast it!

"Ganache, there's no greenery left! What should we do?"

"What are the two going to do? Coming up after this commercial break!" The announcer said and RuPaul clicked the action thingie.

"Aaand cut! Great girls, you can go rest." Kameron wiped sweat off her forehead and she and Yvie headed to 7-Eleven, giving Utica a packet of soy sauce to watch their cat. The pair got giant Slurpees and went outside to look at the passing cars blaring country and classical music. Trixie and Katya sat next to them, and Katya lit up a Marlboro right and sipped on a hotel sized vodka bottle.

"What you gorls think." Katya somewhat asked and Kameron and Yvie shrugged.

"It's alright. Nowhere near as fun as Drag Race." Katya nodded.

"Я согласен. Этому шоу не хватает той искры, которая была у Drag Race, и мне это не очень нравится." The girls stared at her and Trixie giggled.

"She said 'I agree. This show is lacking that spark that Drag Race had and I'm not really enjoying it.'."

"Da." Kameron and Yvie nodded as Katya finished off the mini bottle of vodka.

"I agree. Well, at least we're getting paid right?" Trixie bit her over lined lower lip.

"I wish. I heard RuPaul said he's paying us in JoJo Siwa hair bows and Tyson chicken nuggets for each episode." Kyvie looked devastated and tears streamed down their faces until Katya smacked them both.

"Don't be pussy. Delicacies in Mother Russia." Trixie nodded and kissed her chain smoking girlfriend on the cheek.

"Everyone, commercial break is over, time to go inside!" Everyone went inside and Utica was drinking the soy sauce Kyvie gave her. They resumed the game and Ninky had the least amount of products and Nina started crying.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Time's up squirrel friends, gather round!" RuPaul ushered everyone to the finish line which was duct tape and some happy 9th birthday balloons. Michelle inspected the carts and nodded before whispering in RuPaul's ear.

"Utica, Gottmik, condragulations you are the winners of this challenge! You get a cash prize of $2 and a tub of potato salad. Nina and SIlky, I'm sorry my dears but you have the least. You're off the show." Silky flipped off the judges and kicked the cart over and linked arms with Nina as they walked out of the store.

"Next week on RuPaul's Grocery Games, more whacky antics will ensure! Stay tuned! And cut. Great job people, you all did great! Except for Ninky. Them hoes sucked. You're free to go back home." Everyone sighed and drove back home. When Utica and Gottmik got out of drag, they took showers then went to the kitchen,.

"So, shall we dine romantically on this generic tub of potato salad?" Gottmik shrugged.

"I guess so." They shared the tub worth about $4 and had the shits once they were done. Thank goodness they had two bathrooms!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next on Grocery Games: Stakes are raised when the squad becomes more competitive. Will the loser of this episode take a harsher turn, and will the winner cash out? Stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel!


	3. The Price Is Right, Henny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad is tasked with finding the lowest prices of every variant of food and cleaner in the store. The winners wins big, and the losers lose hard in this episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i stole a bottle of my dad's lemonade teehee

"Vanj hurry it up, we're gonna be late!" Brooke yelled from the front door.

"Hol on bish you can't rush pretty." Brooke rolled her eyes as Vanjie touched up her lipstick and they went out to the car.

"You're ugly so why even try?" Brooke asked, turning on Skrillex and speeding off to Papito's.

"Yahhh I'M ugly, whyon you look in the mirra hoe."

Announcer: "Things are getting shady between this couple! Let's see what Utica and Gottmik are up to.

"Are you ready for today?" Utica asked and Gottmik nodded.

"This is pretty fun. Although I hope if we win we don't get more potato salad." Utica agreed and they drove to the grocery store. Everyone was already there and were chain smoking Marlboro Lights and eating hot dogs. 

"Utica, Gottmik, you're finally here! We've all been anxiously awaiting your arrival." Michelle Visage said and Utica looked at Mik. Utica then looked at her Spongebob watch and it' was only 7 in the morning, the time the show started.

“Sorry, we’ll he here earlier.” Gottmik said and Michelle suspiciously nodded. Michelle didn’t like Mik because he always looked better than her. That and the fat that Gottmik is like 50 years younger than her too. 

“Well let’s get inside and get these games a started!” The crew followed Michelle inside and Rupaul was standing there with his signature fake smile plastered on his face. 

“Hello, hello, hello my dolls! Are you ready for today’s challenge?” The camera panned from RuPaul to the contestants eagerly nodded and smiled. Except Katya who was chain smoking menthols with a tiny hand on her finger. 

“This week’s challenge consists of bargaining. You must retrieve 30 dicount items in 30 minutes. Gamers, get set!” The squad grabbed their carts and revved them up. 

“Aaaand go!” And with that, they were off. Kameron and Yvie were stressing the fuck out, they were boujee ass bitches how were they supposed to know what discounts items were?

“Think Yvie! Put yourself in Vanjie’s shoes!” The shade rattlesnake played and Yvie thought for a moment before nodding. 

“Right, right! Quick, go to Frooty-O’s!” Kameron steered the cart as Yvie quickly followed behind and grabbed the knockoff Froot Loops. Vanjie and Brooke walked up to the pair and Vanjie snatched the cereal from Yvie’s hand. 

“Heard you was shit bish. Whatchu say bout me?” Yvie rolled her eyes. 

“We’re saying you’re broke, shortie.” Vanjie balled her hands into fists and punched Yvie then Kameron right in the nose! The girls started crying at their broken noses and Brooke laughed.

"Don't talk shit about my girlfriend, only I can do that." Vanjie flipped her hair and air horns blasted.

"Vanjie and Brooke, please see RuPaul at the front of the store." The pair walked to the front and Vanjie crosses her arms with an attitude.

"What you want." RuPaul sighed.

"Vanjie, you know severe physical violence isn't part of the show. You can always slap and kick the contestants but you can't break their noses."

"Pfft, whateva. C'mon, Brooke let's get some knock off Tide."

"AHT AHT! Not so fast you two. I'm sorry but you're both disqualified." The shade rattlesnake played again and Vanjie rolled her eyes.

"Whatevaaaa." Vanjie shoved the cart, hitting Utica and making her fall and they left.

"Alright people, time's up! Please see me and judges in the gluten free vegan department." Everybody stopped their hunt and went to bourgeois section.

"Kameron and Yvie are in the hospital and Vanjie and Brooke are in jail, so there will be no losers for this and next week." The girls and guy cheered and all high fived.

"Michelle, inspect the carts." Michelle did as she was told and whispered in RuPaul's ear.

"Trixie and Katya, you two are the winners of this challenge! You've won 6 pounds of tilapia and a snack size bag of hot Cheetos." Trixie gasped and hugged Katya.

"Da. Want fish now. Big tits, go get me fish." Michelle scoffed but got the tilapia anyway and Katya ate the heads and tails of all the fish.

"Trixie, save best parts for you." Katya kissed Trixie with tilapia breath and Trixie 'ooh'd' and giggled. Katya smacked Trixie's thicc ass and grabbed it, making her giggle some more.

"Get this pussy tonight, privyet." Trixie and Katya left and Katya fingered Trixie with her smelly cigarette fingers in the cab ride home.

"...Alright. Go get some rest gamers, tomorrow is a big day, and one you won't forget." RuPaul winked, making the squad nervous. Sharon's legs shook spookily and Alaska held her close, although her untreated third degree burns made her cry out in agony. What will tomorrow bring?

-

"Mmm, this fish is so yummy Katya, thank you!" Trixie said to Katya as she chowed down on the raw fish, swallowing the bones too.

"Da. Finish up, want pussy." Trixie stuffed herself and got undressed and Katya ate her out. If this was what winning was gonna be like, Trixie was here for it.

**Author's Note:**

> my room smells like farts i think vanjie ate a super chalupa grande supreme and snuck in here and let it loose


End file.
